Thursday, October 10, 2013

I Have A New Roommate

One of my coworkers has been threatening to bring me a surprise for weeks. He hinted that he would have to borrow his dad's truck because the surprise wouldn't fit in his car, and then I was like, "Are you bringing me a yak? It's totally a yak, isn't it?" But of course he wouldn't tell me, because that kind of ruins the point of a surprise. Then I thought a yak would probably be too big to fit even in a gigantic truck, so I figured sheep was a safer bet. Then I forgot all about it.

The last month has been hard for me because I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years, which neither really worsened or improved the depression. In the last couple weeks, I've had several massive panic attacks, and last night I had a really bad one. I'm talking rocking-in-chair-crying-hysterically-while-on-phone-with-mom-and-hiding-under-a-blanket panic attack. My mom is amazing and talked me through it until about 12:30, which meant I didn't go to bed until after 1 because I still had to take my meds and brush my teeth and stuff, but I didn't sleep well. So this morning was terrible because I woke up way too late, feeling vaguely sick and very sleep deprived and overall like a bad person. I texted my boss that I was running late and drove to work in slow traffic, hating everything.

When I got to work, I noticed my coworker had brought the truck but didn't think anything of it. Then when I got in, I mumbled an apology to my coworkers and went to put my lunch in the fridge and promptly dropped it on the floor and had to pick it up  and put it in its plastic bag while trying not to fall over from exhaustion. All my coworkers were really giggly for some reason, and the one with the truck said, "Don't worry, Robyn. It's going to be a good day." And then another one was like, "Yeah! You should go in the office now." Then another one told me to go in the office, and that's when I started getting suspicious because that meant it was possible that there was a yak in the office. Or a sheep. But then I turned around and there wasn't a yak or a sheep.

There was, however, a life-size cardboard cutout of Legolas.

And it made my day.

My coworkers kept congratulating me on my "new Elvish boyfriend" so every time someone came to the office, I would introduce them to my new boyfriend, and they would usually offer a look of extreme bafflement or hit on him. Which was awesome. I watched my boss carefully when he came in to gauge his reaction, but he just cast Legolas a sideways glance, furrowed his brow, then walked away shaking his head slightly like "oh my god why do you guys keep bringing weird shit into my office"

I decided it wouldn't be fair to Legolas to not have some fun with him outside of work, so I sent this series of texts to my best friend:

Me: So...I may have just found myself in a new relationship.
Me: It's a little weird but also really exciting. He's a very quiet person, but he also seems a little...I dunno, rigid.
Me: But I really like him. I hope things don't fall flat between us.
Me: Here's a picture.

And then I waited. Five hours later I got a text from him that said, "Hey, I just wanted to say congrats sorry I didn't respond earlier. Been busy all day and about to get busy again but I'll call you tomorrow and we'll talk. Love ya!!!"

I had a sneaking suspicion that perhaps he had not received the picture because frankly I was expecting him to get mad about the ridiculous amount of puns I'd just used. I wasn't sure how to handle it, so I sent him, "Okeydokey. And then I can tell you all about how I acquired a cardboard elven bf!" Then I got back: "WHAT??" Which confirmed that he probably hadn't gotten the picture.

So then I had to explain that I didn't really have a boyfriend and the whole cardboard Legolas thing, except I left out the part where I thought Legolas might be a yak/sheep, and then I had to describe the picture to him because he hadn't gotten it and he had actually been worried about my sanity regarding jumping into new relationships (the fact that he didn't question my sanity after I said I was dating a cardboard cutout just proves how long we've known each other). I think he was a little relieved about the whole thing, but I'm still annoyed that my puns were wasted.

Then I decided that Legolas needed to give something back to the community, so I put him in my window so he could half-smile reassuringly at my neighbors as they walked up the stairs, and also possibly give the maintenance guys heart attacks.

You know how some people have this ceramic goose (or sometimes a wooden bear) on their front yard and they dress it up according to the season, like with Santa hats or raincoats or bunny ears? Legolas will be my goose. And he's going to be amazing at it. Because he's Legolas. 

Man, cardboard Elven boyfriends are the best*. 

*Also, my coworker is the best, because without him, I wouldn't have Legolas. Thanks again, dude. 


  1. Okay, so in that last picture he looks like a stalker! :) How nice to have such great friends to work with though.

  2. That is so cool. Your coworker definitely has a great sense of fun. And just think, a cardboard Legolas will age even MORE slowly than the real Legolas! I really love the window shot. (I clicked over here from AW, by the way. I'm ralf58 there.)