Tuesday, October 8, 2013

An Open Letter to Pretty Shiny Things on the Internet

Dear Pretty Shiny Things on the Internet,

You are pretty. You are shiny. You are useless.

When I am looking for easy recipes to make because I am broke and can't afford to keep hitting Taco Bell, you offer scrumptious suggestions that involve many hours of work and ingredients I don't have. I realize this is not entirely your fault, but could you please try to tell me how to make PB&J ingredients into a savory and fulfilling dish that takes me maybe ten minutes to assemble?

When I am looking for organizing/decorating tips for small spaces, you offer inspiring tutorials on how to include built-in shelving and magnetic paint. I currently live in a studio apartment with a cat, which means I rent a box. I cannot do built-in shelving without obliterating my security deposit. Please offer fun, inspiring things to do with Sterlite drawers. Like drawing spiders crawling up the sides with sharpie. (note to self: buy sharpies)

You also have a tendency to provide me with something known as Polyvore boards. I've never actually used a Polyvore board, which is okay, because plenty of other people have done it for me. They often involve items that are vaguely similar to the ones in my closet, and on the board, being that said board lacks a body to go with the clothes, the combinations of sweaters, scarves and ridiculous earrings look killer. I tried a combination from one of those boards once. I looked like a hobo clown. Stop lying to me, Polyvore.

But at least there are always pictures of spider infestations.* You know, for inspiration.












*You may remember I narrowly escaped one of those back in like May. It turned out it was worse than I thought because when my roommate and I moved out of that house at the end of June, we discovered several dark corners on our outside windows where black widows had placed three (AT MINIMUM) bulging egg sacs. We deeply regret that the next renters will have to deal with the spiderpocalypse, but it's their own damn fault for not asking the landlords if the house is the headquarters of the poisonous spider mafia. Which I'm pretty sure it is. At the very least it's a spider commune. Which still places it under the category of "Suspicious Spider Activity." They probably gather in a circle every night and sing "Kumbaya" before carrying on with their plans to dominate humankind.

4 comments:

  1. I read it and... yeah... that IS a problem. :D
    Damn Internet... always... being... Internet.

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    1. Yeah, what's the deal with this internet thing? It's not like it's good for anything. :p

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  2. Good lord those are big spiders! I was bitten once and had my finger turn black and go numb. Scared the daylights out of me :)

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    1. Yikes! I got bitten by a wolf spider once. I think someone told me it was a wolf spider but i didn't actually see the spider. I'm not sure whether that's more or less terrifying. Wolf spiders are big suckers.

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